


I'm A Sinking Ship That's Burning

by closetbidisaster



Series: Fics inspired by songs [18]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, References to Depression, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21527158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetbidisaster/pseuds/closetbidisaster
Summary: But how am I supposed to love you when I don't love who I am?And how can I give you all of me when I'm only half a man?'Cause I'm a sinking ship that's burning, so let go of my handOh, how can I give you all of me when I'm only half a man?OrKelley isn't okay
Relationships: Alex Morgan/Kelley O'Hara
Series: Fics inspired by songs [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1516991
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Half a Man by Dean Lewis
> 
> Song suggestion from @amc13
> 
> There are references to depression and self-harm in this fic. If that is a trigger for you or you don't feel comfortable reading that, then this fic is not for you and that is okay.
> 
> Kudos, comments, and song suggestions are all welcomed and appreciated! As always, I am @closetbidisaster on Tumblr; come give me a shout, I love meeting new people!

Kelley sinks to the floor, back pressed against the wall. The voices in her head are getting louder and she is helpless trying to drown them out. She presses her hands to her ears, but she knows it is futile; the voices are inside her and there is no silencing them.

_She never loved you._

The biggest struggle she had had was believing Alex had loved her.

_You never loved her._

A rash conclusion she had come to, believing it impossible for her to love another when she hates herself.

_You’re better off alone._

Probably true. She can’t hurt or be hurt by anyone else if she doesn’t let herself get attached.

When she had told the younger girl it was over between them, it had stabbed her in the heart. The pain in those oh-so-blue eyes had made her stomach twist in an unforgiving way. It wasn’t that she wanted to end it; she just found herself unable to be accepting of the younger girl’s affections and knows she will be better off without her and all of her baggage.

She never sat still for long, and very rarely sat in silence. Allowing herself to do either of those things was a dangerous game she had long ago learned would only hurt her more in the end. So she ran from her problems and the voices that chased her. She ran and never looked behind her, afraid of what she may see if she does. She filled the silence with any and all noise she possibly could--friends, family, television, music, soccer, anything to fill the black hole that was her mind.

It exhausted her to do it. The constant moving, the unwillingness to be left in silence for more than five minutes, the fear of being caught by her demons all keep her moving too much, too fast. She constantly was drained, both physically and emotionally. There were days it took every ounce of energy just to get out of bed, save the energy she would have to somehow muster up to make it through the school day and then soccer practice. Her head constantly pounded, often due to dehydration and a lack of sleep. Her muscles ached and her body felt almost too heavy for her to move.

It only got worse when she broke up with Alex. The taller girl hadn’t magically fixed Kelley and all of her issues, but she had inspired the older girl to get better. She had pushed the older girl to work through things in a healthier way and to take care of herself, physically and mentally, for herself and not for anyone else. When the freckled girl ended things, she no longer saw a benefit to continue getting better. She had been working on it for herself, but also for Alex. Because she wanted to love the younger girl like she deserved to be loved, and she couldn’t provide that love if she didn’t first learn to love herself.

But that is easier said than done. Kelley hadn’t felt like a real, full person in a very long time. She is not entirely sure when it happened, nor when she first realized it, but she had known for a while now that she felt as if she was only a partial person, halfway there and halfway not. There were times where she would go days without uttering a single word. Her friends would express their concerns, but Kelley would shrug them off and would type any and all responses out on her phone. She would hide during class or come up with an excuse to get out of speaking that day. 

The first time it happened after she had met Alex, it had freaked out the younger girl. She had greeted the older girl when she got to school and had received only a small nod in response. She had initially thought she had somehow pissed off the older girl, but she had been pulled aside by Tobin after one of her classes to tell her that Kelley was having one of her “bad days”. She told the younger girl to not take it personally and warned her against touching the shorter girl or pushing her to speak. The younger girl was stubborn though and worried; she wanted to know what was wrong with her best friend. So she asked and was surprised when she received an answer. It was a short answer and the older girl clearly was displeased with being pushed but it was an answer all the same. The younger girl was even more surprised when Kelley had taken a hesitant step forward and given her a hug before leaving school that day.

Alex eventually learned to take the older girl’s snap mood changes, quick temper, and occasional ice outs in stride. She stayed by her side, never once wavering and always offering her love and support to her best friend. She helped as much as she could, but she knew this was ultimately Kelley’s battle, not hers. She learned to not back down when the older girl would question their friendship, or their eventual relationship, or when she would tell Alex she would understand if the younger girl left because her baggage was too much to handle. It was no secret the older girl thought herself unworthy of the younger one’s love and it broke her heart to hear how resigned Kelley would sound, so used to being abandoned when she needed love and support the most.

* * *

Looking up from her spot on the floor under the window, Kelley takes in the surrounding motel room. She is not quite sure how exactly she ended up here, but ultimately she doesn’t care. She is away from her family, her friends, the prying questions and concerned eyes. She finally feels like she can somewhat breathe. It’s not much, but any lessening of the tightness in her chest is welcome. She hates the feeling of being frozen in the room, unable to move and barely able to breathe properly. She is still waiting for an explanation as to why this is happening. She wants an answer as to what exactly is misfiring in her brain and causing this chemical imbalance that is royally screwing up her life. She knows she won’t be getting one any time soon, but that does nothing to derail her desire to figure out what exactly was wrong and how she could fix it.

She stares at the broken bottles scattered around the room. Deep down she knows all this drinking would be anything but helpful. She’s seen the effects alcohol can have on a person in the long run and the last thing she wants is to wind up in AA. But it helps numb the pain, so it’s what she turns to when she has nowhere else to go. Absentmindedly, she reaches for a few of the shards and carefully picks them up. Once upon a time, she may have felt the urge to use the sharp piece for something else, but she rarely had such desires anymore. Now, she simply looks at them and half-heatedly attempted to put the bottle back together, noting the cracks lining up but still present.

“Guess it’s true what they say,” she mutters to herself, “you can put it back together but it won’t ever be the same.”

Sighing, she carefully places the broken pieces back on the floor and stares at the door. Part of her wishes someone, preferably Alex, would walk through the door. But, deep down, she knows it’s for the best that no one knows where she is. She can feel herself changing, almost physically. She can feel her exterior hardening as she subconsciously rebuilt the walls around her heart and mind. 

She hopes nobody tries to get close to her again. The last time it had happened, Alex had handed her heart over to the older girl and Kelley had squandered the opportunity, giving in to the fears that she would never be enough and fearing she would never be able to learn to love herself and thus never be able to truly love the younger girl.

* * *

_“How am I supposed to love you, or anyone for that matter, when I don’t love myself? How can I give you my heart when it barely exists? My head’s underwater and I’m sinking and I can’t give you what you need, what you deserve. You need to let me go, Lex...I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t do this Kelley. Please don’t do this. I love you and I know you love me too. Don’t you dare shake your head at that O’Hara. Do not doubt my love for you. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be standing here right now, fighting for us.”_

_“Maybe I don’t love you.”_

_“Yes, you do. I-I know you’re scared and I know you’ve been hurt. Kel, I know you have your demons, but damnit I know you love me.”_

_“Goodbye, Alex.”_

* * *

Kelley’s eyes open as she pulls herself from the memory.

She cannot love someone when she has no love for herself.

The walls continue to build.


	2. I Promise We'll Take the World to Its Feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the silence isn't quiet  
> And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe  
> And I know you feel like dying  
> But I promise we'll take the world to its feet
> 
> Or
> 
> Alex refuses to give up without a fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Rise Up by Andra Day
> 
> Suggested by @xshleyjxv

The insistent knocking wakes her up. For a moment, she has absolutely no idea where she is or why she was sleeping on the floor. The knocking continues and she groans before slowly standing, the hangover hitting hard. The moves towards the door and opens it, surprised by what she finds on the other side.

“Where the hell have you been?” Alex shoves past her into the room and Kelley sighs, closing the door and muttering, “yes please come in.”

The younger girl is glaring at her, but Kelley’s head is pounding way too much to attempt a conversation currently, so she moves to the old coffee maker that looks older than the motel itself and turns it on. Turning to face Alex, she finds the younger girl still glaring, though she can see the relief in her eyes from having found where she was hiding.

“Well?” Kelley just attempts to point to the coffee maker and grumbles a little. Alex’s eyes then drift to the rest of the room and, catching sight of all the empty and broken bottles scattered around, she puts two and two together. Eyeing one particular shard of glass sitting right by the window, the younger girl’s eyes immediately go to look at the older girl’s arms. Seeing no new damage, she breathes a small sigh of relief, though she is still worried.

Kelley pours herself a cup of coffee then takes a seat on the edge of the bed. The younger girl stands in front of her and waits for her to wake up a little more and curb part of her hangover with the caffeine. The older girl makes a face as she drinks the coffee.

“Yuck, this is the grossest coffee I have ever had.”

“Well, maybe you should have stayed at your house where you could have coffee the way you like it,” Alex bites back and Kelley flinches slightly. She hadn’t meant to worry the taller brunette, but then again, she wasn’t exactly thinking straight and as far as she was concerned, the younger girl should hate her.

“Your parents called me, you know? They told me you hadn’t been home in four days. Four days, Kel! You cannot just disappear like that; everybody is worried sick!” Alex has taken to pacing the floor while the older girl simply watches quietly.

“They almost filed a missing persons report! Seriously, Kelley. Not even one phone call to say where you were going or that you just needed some space?” The younger girl’s voice is starting to increase in volume, but there is an obvious shake in it. Again the older girl makes no move to speak. The younger girl stops pacing in front of her and cautiously takes a seat on the bed next to her. She leaves enough space so as to not encroach on the older girl, but is close enough to make sure the older girl can feel she is there.

“Kel,” she speaks softly. The older girl looks up then, tears shining in her eyes as she looks at the younger one. Alex feels the wind get knocked out of her and her heart twists as she sees the shattered look in the older girl’s eyes. She feels even more determined now to not give up on the shorter girl; she came here to fight for her and she is not leaving without gaining some sort of ground.

Kelley opens her mouth to speak but the only thing that comes out is a broken sob. It is heart-wrenching and Alex moves slightly closer as the older girl starts shaking. She allows Alex to put an arm around, turning into the younger girl and clinging to her shirt as the cries racked her small frame. Alex wraps her other arm around her and holds her tightly, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. She wanted to comfort the older girl, to reassure her, but she knew she would have to wait until she had calmed down a little. She knew the older girl well enough to know that when she is this worked up, it is best to just let it play out and offer some sort of grounding without speaking. She knows if she attempts to speak to her, it will go in one ear and out the other.

Neither of them is quite sure how long they stay like that, but eventually, the older girl drifts off to sleep. The younger one carefully picks her up and lays her properly on the bed before moving to pick up the broken pieces of glass that still litter the floor. She carefully inspects each shard, just double-checking, before tossing them out. When she returns from the dumpster, she looks at the older girl sleeping in the bed, noticing just how small and fragile she looks. As much as she doesn’t want to, she knows she should wake her.

She gently takes a seat on the bed and lightly shakes the shorter brunette. “Hey, Kel? Babe, you’ve gotta wake up. We need to talk about this and you need to talk to your parents,” the older girl stirs and groans slightly. She blinks her eyes open, focusing on Alex before slowly sitting up. She still feels exhausted, physically and mentally, but her head no longer feels like someone is attacking it with a jackhammer.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” she mumbles, but Alex just shakes her head. She knows there is no getting out of this and sighs. If she is going to be forced to talk about this, she is not going first, mostly because she has no idea where to begin. Turns out, the younger girl wanted to speak first anyway, seeing that she began speaking almost immediately after she had sighed, taking it as a sign to go ahead.

“Look, Kelley...I know I don’t really ‘get’ what you’re going through, at least not completely. But, you have to believe that I get it to a certain degree. I know you feel stuck in life, stuck in a rut. I know you feel like you’re all alone in this world. I know you’re exhausted from fighting just to keep your head above water. But Kel, you are not alone. You’ve got me, you’ve got Tobin, Christen, Allie, Erin, your parents. There are so many people who care about you and love you. So many people that want to help hold you up and support you in any way possible. I know that it’s hard as hell, but you have to keep pushing. Rise up, Kelley. Rise up and keep pushing.”

Looking in the older girl’s eyes, she sees a hint of unbrokenness, like a small light flickering in the distance. Feeling hopeful, Alex knows she needs to chase this light in order to pull Kelley back.

“I know the silence is never truly silent for you. I know you refuse to let yourself sit in silence, afraid of what might happen in your head if you do. I know you sometimes feel like there is a crushing weight sitting on your chest, that you feel like you can’t breathe sometimes. And I know you know that I know your past. I’ve seen your scars, even the ones that can’t always be seen. Those scars are a reminder that you are still here; they’re a reminder that you are a fighter that needs to keep fighting. Kel, I can’t promise it’ll be easy; in fact, it will actually be really fucking hard. But you will not give in; you will keep pushing. And together, you and I are going to take on the world because I love you and I know you love me. Nothing is going to change that.”

The older girl still looks broken, and Alex knew it wouldn’t be a snap fix. But she can see the flicker of hope still Kelley’s eyes. She slowly reaches for Kelley’s hand, interlacing their fingers when the older girl doesn’t pull back. Taking a deep breath, Kelley finally speaks.

“I’m glad you don’t get what I’m going through. I hope you never do, Lex. And yeah, I’m utterly exhausted from fighting this fight alone, or at least feeling like I’m fighting it alone. And I know you know how dangerous the silence can be for a mind like mine, and of course, I know you know about my scars. All of them, physical or otherwise. But you have to understand, none of this is easy. It’s not as simple as just flipping a switch and suddenly being okay.”

“I know that; I do. I’m just trying to remind you that you are not alone in this fight and I will be by your side, fighting with you day after day if you’ll let me. Please, Kel. Let me help, even if it’s only a little.”

Kelley stiffens slightly, the rejection on the tip of her tongue. She doesn’t want pity; she doesn’t need help. But she looks in Alex’s eyes and sees how sincere and full of concern they are. The words die in her throat and she simply stares into the younger girl’s eyes for a moment. Her head and her heart are at war with each other. One is telling her to run, to cut her losses, and get the hell out of here; it’s telling her she is better off alone. The other is telling her to stay, to grow with her friends and family, to find her support system and lean on them. She honestly cannot tell which is saying which.

“You’ve gotta have hope, Kelley.”

The younger girl lightly traces one of the older one’s scars, remembering the first time Kelley had taken off her bracelets in front of her before taping her wrists. She remembered her heart breaking as she caught sight of an angry looking, fresh scar. She remembered how quickly the older girl had hidden her arms behind her back like she had forgotten she wasn’t alone in the locker room when she heard the younger girl’s small gasp. The guilt, the embarrassment, she saw in the older girl’s eyes as she had quietly approached her. The shock on her face when Alex grabbed her tape and taped her wrists before grabbing a sharpie and writing “For Me” on the tape, signifying who Kelley would be playing that game for.

She’s still overwhelmed with relief that there are no new scars on the older girl’s body. But she also knows that doesn’t mean that everything is completely okay. Catching sight of the older girl’s backpack, she stands from the bed and walks to it. Knowing exactly where to look, she quickly locates the tape and a sharpie, bringing them back to the bed.

The older girl looks confused for a moment until Alex begins to tape one of her wrists. She then uncaps the sharpie, writing “Gotta Have Hope” on the inside of her wrist. She then tapes the other wrist, marking it with the day’s date; it will be a reminder to Kelley that she is no longer fighting alone, that Alex will always be there fighting with her.

The younger girl then presses a soft kiss to the older one’s cheek before speaking.

“It’s time to rise, Kel.”

“Time to rise,” the shorter brunette echoes back to her. She stares at her wrists for a moment before speaking again.

“Time for me to rise. No matter what gets thrown my way,” she looks at the younger girl, a look of determination on her face.

“For me.”

“For you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Coming soon (possibly later today): a fic inspired by a Taylor Swift song!
> 
> Drop a song suggestion below and I'll add it to my list!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this fic!
> 
> Sorry for the delay, I've been working on a big history essay and my apartment's WiFi router blew a couple of days ago and we just got a new one today!
> 
> Next up: an Ed Sheeran song inspired fic!
> 
> Feel free to drop a song suggestion and I'll add it to my list; all genres welcome!


End file.
